I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
