The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
