I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
