Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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