ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
