shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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