Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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