Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
