I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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