i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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