my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
