I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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