Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
