me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
