I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
