and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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