Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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