i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
