I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
