Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
