Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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