I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
