I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
