My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
