Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
