I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
