hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
