i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
