i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need water and some morals
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
