Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
