I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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