how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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