So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
