i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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