I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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