Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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