Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Randomize
