You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
