Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
