I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
