shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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