Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
