you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
