I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
