I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
