im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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