My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
