um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
