do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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