I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
