i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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