i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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