it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
