Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
