just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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