my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
