if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
