If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
