My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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