I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
