the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
