hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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