Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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