he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
