My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
