I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
