So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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